IN THE BEGINNING

As I tread the path of life some things are getting clearer day by day. 

One of them is the absurdity of life itself as the dreams and illusions of the young and even mature years fade away. And it isn’t just what we live but also what goes on around us, the world where we live in. And not just the absurdity but the meaninglessness of this life. If we look closely, everything we see around us is absurd and meaningless. So that leaves me with only one explanation unless I want to throw myself into the abyss of accepting this as the only answer to existence. I mean, unless I decide to accept that reality is absurd and then the only free answer that I could give to it would be suicide, I have to go beyond what I see and accept that there has to be something in this whole story that I am not seeing. Something that man is unable to perceive by his own abilities. Something has happened in this world that I cannot see or understand. Something has ruined this, in a way, perfect and beautiful world, has turned it into a place of crime and murder, of treason and mischief, of lies and betrayals, of abuse, violence death and rape, of lust and sickness, and finally of death. There must be something we cannot see that can explain all this. 

I’ve been searching for that for most of my conscious life. Something that can explain my own failures and vices, my weaknesses and vile acts and dark attitudes since I was a kid. I’ve always felt, as Saint Paul says, that I tend to do what I do not want to do, and I cannot do what I really want to do. This is a world where so few people have so much and so many people have so little, where all of us run a race to obtain the most we can by almost any means, good or bad, without noticing that all this is going to be left behind so promptly, so soon, so… abruptly, without us being able to do anything to prevent it. 

An answer. The answer. I think that is what I and all of us are searching for. A real answer that can really be trusted, proved inside our own selves and outside, and that can take us on a path of recovery, of light, and finally of a life worth living. And the only life worth living is eternal life. All the rest remains here, although, I don’t know, maybe if we find a way to conquer ourselves here we will find a place for ourselves there, in that beyond that I cannot doubt exits and is calling us right now. Is calling me right now. And yes, I know, we cannot give ourselves eternal life; we cannot give ourselves even this life that falls from our grasp a little bit more each day. But I think, if we make a really big effort, we can find the path, and if we find the path and walk it through we can find the door, and if we find the door…  maybe we can reach Him, He whom, I know now, has been calling me since so many years ago. 

My Lord and my God. 

Antonio Torres